It has been a while since I have written and I wish it was because I was busy planning for our babies. Instead, I have been trying to cope with a loss greater than I could imagine. At 6 weeks we found out that one of our little babes’ heart had stopped beating. It was devastating and the mixed emotions of being sad for losing one and relieved that the other was still progressing well was confusing.
Bill and I began to accept the loss and change our perception of what our family would look like. One baby was still such a miracle and would fill our house up with love.
At 8 weeks reality changed again. A devastating blow on the ultrasound showed that baby #2 also had no heartbeat. To say I was in shock is an understatement. I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t know if I wanted to breathe. All I could say over and over was, “Why?”. I had finally let my guard down. I had finally given myself a chance to celebrate and think positively. And IT HURT! It still hurts. Getting pregnant had been such a long and hard process, that I had hoped things would finally turn out the way we had been praying for. But it didn’t. It was too good to be true.
I thank God that I have a man like Bill in my life. He is supportive, caring and understanding. Our love is so strong that I know we will be ok, no matter how things turn out.
Genetic testing showed that there was an abnormality in the embryo, which caused the miscarriage. We have a meeting with our IVF doctor next week and we will have some thinking to do in regards to how we proceed from here. For now, I am focusing on my health. I am trying to stay positive and look forward instead of backward.
One way or another, Bill and I will have a family. We aren’t sure yet how that process will happen, but it will happen.
With sadness in my heart,