It Was Too Good To Be True

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It has been a while since I have written and I wish it was because I was busy planning for our babies.  Instead, I have been trying to cope with a loss greater than I could imagine.  At 6 weeks we found out that one of our little babes’ heart had stopped beating.  It was devastating and the mixed emotions of being sad for losing one and relieved that the other was still progressing well was confusing.

Bill and I began to accept the loss and change our perception of what our family would look like.  One baby was still such a miracle and would fill our house up with love.

At 8 weeks reality changed again.  A devastating blow on the ultrasound showed that baby #2 also had no heartbeat.  To say I was in shock is an understatement.  I couldn’t breathe.  I didn’t know if I wanted to breathe.  All I could say over and over was, “Why?”.  I had finally let my guard down.  I had finally given myself a chance to celebrate and think positively.  And IT HURT!  It still hurts.  Getting pregnant had been such a long and hard process, that I had hoped things would finally turn out the way we had been praying for.  But it didn’t.  It was too good to be true.

I thank God that I have a man like Bill in my life.  He is supportive, caring and understanding.  Our love is so strong that I know we will be ok, no matter how things turn out.

Genetic testing showed that there was an abnormality in the embryo, which caused the miscarriage.  We have a meeting with our IVF doctor next week and we will have some thinking to do in regards to how we proceed from here.  For now, I am focusing on my health.  I am trying to stay positive and look forward instead of backward.

One way or another, Bill and I will have a family.  We aren’t sure yet how that process will happen, but it will happen.

With sadness in my heart,

Carrie

 

Double the Fun!!

 

I don’t know if my heart could be any happier.  We went back for the second ultrasound, as the first one was too early to see anything.  Measuring at 5 Weeks, 6 days we saw not one, but TWO strong heartbeats!!!!  It is still very early and it will be a long journey, but today we are celebrating our double miracle!!!!!

It has been such a long road to get here (over 4 years of fertility treatments) and we feel beyond blessed!  Here is to a healthy pregnancy and to two healthy babies!!!!

My beautiful babies,  we know you are worth the wait!

-Carrie

OMG: BFP!!!!!

 

I am sitting here in shock, with the biggest smile glued on my face!  We have tried so many times and each time the result was the same:  Negative.  I hadn’t let myself imagine what a positive result would feel like.  It is surreal!

When the nurse called to give me the results I prepared for the worst.  When she said, “I’ve got good news…. You’re pregnant!”  I nearly dropped the phone.  I babbled on and managed to get out the question, “What now?  I’ve never had this happen.”   Her response was wonderful.  The nurse said,  “Now you celebrate.  With a strong glass of water!”  LOL!  I love it!

I know there is a long road ahead and many things that could go wrong.  But right now, we a celebrating in the joy that our miracle has finally happened!

The call to my husband, my mom, and a friend were long overdue and to hear their smiles through the phone was wonderful!  I can’t wait for my husband to get home from work so I can:

  1.  Give him the BIGGEST HUG EVER
  2. Take multiple home pregnancy tests just to see the result (I’ve never seen a positive!)
  3. Celebrate with that strong glass of water

I chose the picture of my husband and I at the top because it is one of us together on our honeymoon almost 9 years ago.  It seemed fitting to celebrate with a picture of when it all started.

We love you Baby C and we can’t wait to meet you!

-Carrie

Two Week Wait: Still Agonizing, Still Waiting

I consider myself a pretty positive person, usually with a smile on my face and willing to look on the bright side of things.  BUT this two week wait certainly challenges that outlook.  I have been wanting to write about my daily “symptoms”, but have been putting it off because they are so similar to my previous cycles that have all resulted in a negative outcome.

Here’s the breakdown:

4dp3dt- Nothing other than bloating and gas and sore breasts

5dp3dt- some cramping, sore breasts, night sweats, and EMOTIONAL;  I can’t stop crying, when getting out of bed in the morning I had a piercing pain like my insides twisted that lasted only for a few minutes

6dp3dt- more cramping, sore breasts, still emotional, constipated,  same piercing pain as yesterday morning when I moved too fast to get off of the couch

7dp3dt- sore breasts, cramping gone, still emotional

8dp3dt- sore breasts, less emotional

9dp3dt- no symptoms all day other than sore breasts, but I woke up in the middle of the night with HORRIBLE cramps that lasted for about a 1/2 an hour and then subsided

10dp3dt- no symptoms, breasts are less sore, but still a little sore

11dp3dt- Today:  No real symptoms thus far, breasts do not appear to be sore at all anymore.

I have kept a positive outlook longer than normal, but my hope is beginning to fade.  I keep praying, wishing that at least one of these wonderful embryos is strong enough to stand up to my “aggressive body”, as the doctor calls it.

Not knowing and not being able to do anything about it is making me miserable. I could probably use a home test now, but I have decided not to.  Without doing it, I can hold out on hope a little longer.

My husband is being wonderful and understanding.  We even booked a trip to Miami for  after we get the results back.  We are hoping it will be a trip to celebrate, but if the result is negative, at least we will have some time to escape and be with each other.

I can handle the physical impact of IVF:  I am strong.

We can deal with the financial impact: It’s not easy, but we know it is the right way to spend our money.

The emotional impact is what is hard:  A heart can only break so many times.  But still I persist.  We persist.

Waiting Impatiently, But Waiting,

-Carrie

 

 

Post Transfer and the 2 week wait countdown

Well,  we are back home from New York.  Transfer was on Friday 2/17/17.  We ended up having 7 high quality embryos and after discussing our history and previous attempts, we decided, with the doctor’s approval, to transfer 3 embryos and freeze the other 4.

Having been through this process before, I have tried to prepare myself and decide up front what I would and wouldn’t do.

Do:

  • Stay Positive
  • Eat Healthy
  • Stay Busy
  • Take It Easy
  • Walk Daily
  • Write About My Feelings/Experiences
  • Allow Myself To Picture The Happy Ending
  • Keep My Meds Organized
  • Ease Myself Back Into My Work

Don’t

  • Symptom Check
  • Consult Dr. Google
  • Stress Out
  • Prepare For The Negative
  • Give Up
  • Be Too Hard On Myself When I Break My List Of Do’s And Don’ts

The thing is, all of this is easier said than done.  But, I am committed to trying.  I have decided to try and keep track of my “symptoms” on a daily basis, but the medications and extra scrutiny of oneself makes this tricky and misleading.  Regardless, here is an update through today:

1dp3dt: Gassy, bloated, tired and still sore from retrieval

2dp3dt: Tight feeling in stomach, gassy, bloated, sore boobs, night sweats

3dp3dt:  Sharp pain when getting out of bed this morning in stomach, sore boobs, bloated, tired, a headache, and a pink tint when wiping today (though this could be from the progesterone caplets that are “orangish” in color

None of these symptoms are any different from previous attempts, which all resulted in a negative, but I wanted to document them on a daily basis.  I am hoping and praying that this is the one- that our dreams will finally come true.

Although I dread the two week wait, I cherish the first few days of the process.  It is the only time  that I am “pregnant until proven otherwise” and those first few days I allow myself to picture the best possible outcome.  I am working on keeping this attitude longer throughout the two week wait, believing that some day this positive outcome will become the reality!  In the past, my realism takes over my optimism at about 7 days past 3 day transfer.

This time, one day at a time is my motto.  And today, I am happy.  I am optimistic.  I am picturing life with Baby C!

-Carrie

IVF Retrieval Day and Results

unknownAfter some consistent monitoring at a clinic in Michigan, our doctors in New York gave us the go ahead to fly on out to continue our IVF process.  We had an ultrasound done here (NY), administered the Neupogen infusion and were scheduled for retrieval yesterday 2/15/17.  Although I have been through this process before, it didn’t make it any easier- emotionally or physically.  I worry about the craziest things:  not waking up from the anesthesia, something drastically going wrong, blood clots:  you name it.  But more than anything I worried that we would not have any viable candidates.

Upon waking up I was notified that 21 eggs were retrieved:  21!  Fantastic!  But the worry doesn’t stop there.  The next step was to wait until the next day to see how many were mature and how many fertilized.  On our past experience we had good results:  18 eggs, 15 mature, and 11 fertilized.  So with 21 my expectations were high.

The call today did not bring the news that I was anticipating:  21 eggs, 9 were mature, and 7 fertilized.  So less than the last time….  On one hand I am thankful and relieved that we have some chances, but at the same time I can’t help but be disappointed.  Even with 11 fertilized eggs last go round, none of the embryos stuck.

We have some new information involving some autoimmune concerns leading to rejection of embryos that we have been treating, so I am hopeful that the outcome will be different than before.  I am trying to stay positive and keeping my hopes up, but this whole process can beat you down.

One step at a time:  One day at a time.  We will know more on Friday, the day the transfer is scheduled for.  Until then, I will enjoy my get away with my husband and try to make the most of the time here in the city.

I’m a country girl at heart, but Baby C, whenever you arrive, you were made in the city…..

Patiently Waiting,

Carrie

 

 

On the Emotional Rollercoaster: Thanks IVF Meds

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Day 2 of IVF Stim meds.  To say that I have been a mess is an understatement!  I can’t stop sobbing.- At everything!  I will get emotional, begin crying and then just look at my husband and laugh through the tears at how ridiculous I am being.  I have been through this before, but I forgot just how hormonal I can be!  Thank goodness for my loving and understanding husband.  It will only get worse before it gets better!

The shots are not so bad, they are small needles and administered in the stomach.  I can give them to myself without assistance.  Later in the cycle the shots get more complicated:  Bigger needles and placement in the buttocks which requires assistance.  I remember being so scared of the shots the first go round, but now keeping the timing of them straight is the hardest part.  Setting alarms for reminders and keeping the meds organized is the key to success.

There is a mix of excitement, anticipation, and fear.  I am grasping to hold onto the hope and fight off the fear as much as possible.  Although the steps of the process become more familiar and don’t seem as scary, the emotional toll is the same each time.

My choice is to embrace the process, hold on to the hope as long as possible and appreciate all of the positives I have in my life.  One day one of those positives just might end up on a little white stick!

You are worth the wait Baby C!

-Carrie

The Estrogen is Flowing and the Countdown Begins

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It has been a while since my husband and I went through a full fresh IVF cycle: One year and 4 months to be exact.  We were lucky to have gotten 11 high quality embryos on our last fresh cycle.  Unfortunately, that is where our luck ended.

So now here we are, back at it again.  The first time everything was so new and so scary.  This time around, I have an eery sense of calmness about me.  – That is until the hormones kick in!  The process has just begun and I am already an emotional mess!  The estrogen is flowing and so are the tears.  My dear husband, he handles it like a champ!  Keeping his cool, dealing with my mood swings, and making me laugh.

Current state is cycle day 32, and my 8th day on Climara patches.  Hopefully I start in the next few days and we can move on to the next phase: Ovarian stimulation.  By my calculations, we should be in New York for retrieval around Valentine’s Day.  In the past year and 4 months we have made 5 trips to New York and experienced the city during every season.  I’m a country girl and the excitement of the city has worn thin.  But I am optimistic that this will be the one.  I have to be, because if doubt and fear take over, the next month will be unbearable.

Though the journey is one of familiarity, our final destination will be authentic and incredible!  We will not give up, Baby C!

Carrie

We’re All Waiting

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As I sit here in anticipation of my first doctor’s appointment to start our upcoming cycle, I am reflecting on all we have gone through thus far as a family.  Our little family: myself, Bill, Goldie (not pictured), and our Darcie Jane.  One thing that Bill and I decided was that we were NOT going to let this process suck the life out of us.  Staying positive hasn’t always been easy, but keeping a smile on each other’s faces has always been the goal.  We are in this together.  We revel in anticipation of what can be, we grieve together when we receive negative results, and we remind each other to remember the great aspects of our lives.  We are making memories to share with our baby when he/she arrives.  We will continue to smile, and laugh, and cry, and truly LIVE life.  But, we’re all waiting.  Waiting to meet our precious gift. Waiting to hold our dream in our arms.  Waiting to make even more memories.  Patience is not something that comes easy to me, but I am learning.  We are positive and confident and happy with life.  Baby C, you are loved more than you could ever imagine.  And when you finally arrive the joy you will bring to this world is indescribable!  You have a posse just waiting for you.  So, Baby C, just remember:  WE’RE ALL WAITING!