Looking Back, and Moving Forward

images-9There are some days, that all I can do is think of my dad.  I miss him so much.  He is the one that has given me the courage to make the most out of my life, and all I want is for him to look down on me and be happy with what he sees!  I have decided to include a copy of the journal I kept when he was admitted into the hospital up until his passing.  I don’t read it often, but when I do, I can’t help but become teary eyed.  Here it is:

12/21 I am sitting here on 12/21 you are doing much better. I am still very scared. I know you are so strong and that you are going robe fine. You have to be. Me mom and ty need you. I haven’t left you but to take a shower and eat. Me and mon are with you always until you are better. I am scared about the scope on Monday. I am praying everyday that you are going to be ok. I love you so much and want nothing but for you to be strong and keep fighting. I love you!!

12/22  Dad. He doctors said that you are still slowly improving. You have a fever which scares me. You are breathing some on your own on top if the ventilator. Your heart rate is high today and blood pressure a little more volatile. You stunk it up today which is good and your bile turned green instead of brown, which is good. You have been edgy all day today and VERY alert. I love when you open your eyes and squeeze my hand, but get very scared because I can see that you are scared. You were raising your hands and shaking your head like crazy! Usually mom or I can calm you down, but not this time. Finally you settled a little. I love you and am scared about what the scope is going to show tomorrow. I am praying for the best. I know you can do it! They are shaving your beard to change over your Iv leads and to adjust your breathing tube. Mom made me leave with bill to go see the dogs and shower because I am so worried. I can’t stop worrying! You and I are just alike. Dad, I need you and I love you. Please dont leave me!!!! Please be strong.

12/23 Dad you were awake and alert many hours this morning. It appears you Iva were leaking and not getting you your medicine. Karen took care of it for you. You have the scope In a few hours I can’t concentrate. I am very nervous. I went to the chapel two times already. You squeezed my hand and glared at mom. You even were cursing with the hose in your mouth. I know you were in pain and confused. I was glad to see my real dad. But sad because I knew you were scared. I love you daddy. Keep being strong! Don’t give up. I know you can do it.

Good news today. Your scope shows that the esophogus is healing. It still has issues but is showing improvement. Good sign. Now we have to get your lungs healing and get you off the ventilator. I am scared that you will struggle to get off it. You are strong. I know you can do it. I love you daddy

12/24 Christmas Eve. Docs say your white count went down again. Good job. They say that you are struggling with exhaling. Doc is giving you time steroids to help. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but say you Gould be off cent in 2-4 days. I am praying. I love you dad. Please keep being strong. We need you

12/25 Christmas Day. Best gift: doctors saying you are making great progress. They began weaning you from the vent a little by changing some settings and having you do more work. You’ve fine good with it all day, but seem to maybe be struggling a little tonight with your breaths. You looked up at me a few times today and you seemed to understand where you were and that we were there with you. Please keep being strong. I love you do much daddy. We all need you. I am praying daddy. I love you. I am scared.

12/26 Well daddy. You are doing better. The doctor said you are making great improvements. Mom and bill want me to go on the Mexico trip we paid for. I don’t want to leave you. Mom promises me that you will be fine and I know you are strong, but I have a hard time leaving your side. Everyone says I need a break because I haven’t left you in 2 weeks, but to shower and eat. I need you daddy. Please keep getting better and know that I don’t want to leave you. I love you so much. I know you can do it. Please don’t get sick when I am gone.   Keep being strong

12/27 Dad we left for our trip today. I have called the hospital about 10 times already. I don’t like being away from you. Mom said you were breathing on your own for 15 minutes today. I’m glad, but wish you could do it longer. I am praying that you get off of that stupid ventilator soon. I need you daddy. Please keep getting better.

12/28. Leaving for Mexico from Atlanta today. I woke up and immediately called to check on you. Mama says you are doing fine. The doctor hasn’t been in yet so now I am on a plane worrying about you.   Please be ok daddy. Please get better. We all need you and want to see you get better. I love you so much. Keep being strong

12/31 I’m Mexico for a few days now. I can’t relax. I am so worried about you dad. Please get better. You are having trouble getting off of the ventilator. Mom says doctor said it will take time and that you need to lose more water weight to breath better. I need you to keep being strong and trying to breath on your own. I need you daddy. I am do scared. Please be ok. I love you so much! I miss you

1/1 you did not do well trying to get off the vent. They said you need a trach put in temporarily. I am scared. Another surgery? Mom is scared too. I am coming home. I shouldn’t have left. Please dad be strong. I want so much for you to heal and get better. I don’t want you in this much pain! Please dad please! I love you and need you

1/3 I was too worried yesterday to journal. You got your trach in. I drove for almost 6 hours from mi to get to you. You were sedated all day. This morning you went off sedation and was breathing off the vent for 40 minutes. Your blood cell count keeps going up though. You got a cat scan and now you are at Miami valley: an infection behind esophogus and lung. We are having it drained today And I pray that nothing goes wrong. If it doesn’t work then you have to have surgery tomorrow. I am very scared. What started out as a good day got real bad fast. Please be ok. I love you and I need you! Please be ok.

1/4. My emotions were a roller coaster today. First we’re told no surgery, then white cell spiked so emergency surgery scheduled. They shaved your chest wiped down your whole body getting ready to take you to a very risky surgery then change mind again. You have an infection and they don’t know why or where. They are testing lung area colon area line for medicine area trach Area all kinds of things. Your heart rate is also very high. I am scared. You look very tired today. Don’t give up

1/5 waiting on doctor. They found you some sleep and anxiety medicine so you and mom both slept last night. Ty and I went to a hotel a mile away. A test came back showing that the infection wasn’t in your stool. If they all come back negative I’m sure you will have to have the surgery which scares the shit out of me. Daddy I love you. Please be strong

1/6. Mom called me at hotel this am at 5:30. You’re white blood cell count got rocketed meaning lots of infection. She was very worried this meant surgery. It didn’t. It does mean we need the antibiotics to start working fast!! Cat scan showed nothing new. Just lots of infection in your lungs. They did a scope of the esophogus and it looks fine. Whew. You are going to get a feeding tube in your belly in the am. I pray this goes fine. It comes with done risk but the benefit would be the removal of your nose hose which should make breathing more comfortable. We need you off the vent to cough out the nasties!!! Daddy please keep being strong!!! I love you so much

1/8? Or 9 You had a really rough night last night. Your vitals went all wacky, people were rushing around and I thought you were dying. Doc says you wore yourself out on the ventilator. I stayed all night with you. You seem better today.uch more relaxed. You are back on full setting on vent which means starting over. They said we would try again in a few says after feeding you more. I hope you get stronger. I need you to get better . I love you daddy

1/10 You were on the cpap for about 1.5 hours then you pooped out! You did great though. You moved to a step down unit today. I don’t like it. You don’t seem to get as much attention. Also the room is small. I am glad your doing well enough to move out of icu. I am getting scared because you are so weak. I know you can do it though dad. I love you!

1/11. Doc says next week to ltach. I am scared of what that means. People seem to act weird when we say that’s where he is going, like it is bad. I just want you to get better!! I hope it works. Your white count went down again, which is really good. I also am wot lorries and feel guilty because I am going home tomorrow. I have to get back to work but I don’t want to leave you. I love you daddy

1/16. Haven’t wrote in a few days, but that doesn’t mean I have stopped thinking about you. I can’t stop thinking about you. I feel like I should have never left. Back and doeth again. First you were getting better, now they say you have an infection and they don’t know what and that you are very sick. You can barely stay awake. You have no strength. You won’t really respond that much. Momma says she keeps talking to you and holding your hand. I am coming back to see you tomorrow. I keep praying that you will fight and get better. I love you daddy I want you to be strong and fight and get better. I pray that you can do this, but I don’t want you to suffer and I don’t want you to be just lying there forever. I want you to LIVE!!!! I live you daddy so much. Use your Meyer power!!

1/18 Wtf! You are back in the icu. Blood pressure very low, temp 102, surgery sight leaking? Blood cell count high what is going on? I am so scared. His please let this get figured out. I don’t understand and I don’t know how to fix it!   Want you to get better and I want you to stop suffering. I am so scared! Daddy I love you so much!!!! I want you to live a life with me and mom, not be stuck in a hospital lying there. You are so sick and I can’t fix it. It’s beginning to seem like no one can. Oh lord please help!!!!

1/18. Daddy you Passed away. You fought so hard for so long and you were just too tired. You were trying hard for us I know but it is ok. You deserve to rest. You have given us so much. Mom me and ty were so lucky to have you. You made me strong, caring, and able to take care of myself and others. You taught me how to laugh and worry and be responsible . I wanted so bad for you to beat all of this, but I am glad you aren’t suffering. Gods plan called for you in heaven and I know you will be watching over all of us. Rest in peace daddy I love you

I am grateful that I kept this journal.  I started it with the intent to make my dad aware of everything he battled and overcame, but that wasn’t the case.  Instead, I like to look at the progression of my grief.  I went from a scared little girl who needed her daddy to a scared caring daughter who just wanted her dad to stop suffering.  I know he is not suffering now.  I miss him every minute of every day.  Another example of life not giving you what you want, but giving someone else something that they need.

LOVE YOU DADDY

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